Follow these simple rules and you have at least a chance of ending the film by having a sexual liaison interrupted by a farcical phone call from MI6. Annoying as this may be, it's not half as annoying as being dead...

How To Be A Bond Girl
12th December 2002

Do not accept offers of employment as the villain's sidekick, mistress, etc. You may have a little difficulty identifying the villain.

Steer clear of anyone with an army of sinister bodyguards, advisers, just in case. Just occasionally these people turn out to have a heart of gold, but more often than not they're poison.

Dress and behave demurely, at least at first. Cardigan, not bikini. Feisty defiance, not threatened sexual harassment suit. Squeal and hit villain over the head with pot, not calmly take aim with AK-47. We take no responsibility for grave disappointment if you apply this rule in the Real World.



If at all possible, don't make your entrance until at least half way through the film. We appreciate that it may be rather hard to tell how far the film has progressed when you make your appearance, and that accidents do happen.

As soon as you have a chance, therefore, check James Bond's luggage for stamps from exotic locations. If the exotic location in which you find yourselves is the first one he's visited, you may have appeared too soon.

Never go into the hotel room first.

Leave the hotel room at once before you find yourself dead in some unlikely manner.

Don't own a yacht, it only leads to trouble. You can, however, own a Cleopatra-style barge if you really must.

Expect trouble from inoffensive vehicles like dune buggies or milk floats.

Helicopters and other forms of aerial transport will go out of control at least once during any given journey. This is just a charming little quirk. In fact they are safer than dune buggies or milk floats.

If you find some other lady on the scene when you make your appearance, do not panic. She has committed the folly of appearing too early and will pay the penalty. But do not scope out her clothes with the intent of taking advantage of her imminent death. They may still be infested with scorpions, etc., and besides, they won't fit.



Do not worry unduly if you are called upon to play a part in the final assault on the villain's base. Automatic weapon fire and bombs will be going off all around you. You may well appear to be in danger of imminent death from drowning, fire, volcano, or explosive decompression. Nevertheless, you will be as safe as houses. The only inconveniences you are likely to suffer are some smoke damage to your clothing and possibly some dishevelling to your hair.

Villains' bases are in fact substantially less dangerous than hotel rooms. (Important note: this rule only applies during the FINAL assault.)

Never follow the villain, or anyone suspicious for that matter, or attempt to defeat him without the direct aid of Bond. This will result in being captured and taken away in his vehicle. If you do happen to find yourself in one of these situations, do not panic. He will most likely just have you wear a bikini and keep you at his lair until Bond rescues you.